NeverThat.com

Mayor Mike Dixon posted a sign on the fence around his overgrown lawn. “There are more important things in life than tall grass,” it reads. Dixon hasn’t mowed his lawn since last year, and has declined offers from neighbors to cut the grass.

“He’s just that type that likes to be his own person,” said Martha Burns, a member of the Blackey City Council and the Blackey Improvement Committee. “He’s always been like that.”

Burns said she doesn’t have a problem with the mayor’s unkempt lawn.

On Monday night’s episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert addressed the online resource Wikipedia, the encyclopedia that anyone can read or edit. Colbert praised Wikipedia for “wikiality,” the reality that exists if you make something up and enough people agree with you – it becomes reality. Colbert’s subsequent examples to prove “wikiality” would cause chaos on the site, and lead an administrator to subsequently block his account.

Cold food didn’t kill that family. Personnel assignments didn’t rape and murder that 14-year-old little girl. They gathered together over cards and booze and come up with a plan to rape and murder that little girl.

An 18-year-old has pleaded guilty to animal cruelty for a videotaped incident in which he and two friends lit a turtle on fire and danced around it.

Joel Charles Ross of Hawley admitted they set the large snapping turtle on fire. He said they did it not once, but twice, and dressed up differently because they wanted to make their video “more funny and exciting.”

“I put the gas on the turtle and made a trail, and one of my friends ignited it with a lighter,” he said.

A man who spent 27 years in prison before DNA exonerated him will not see a dime from the city.

A jury on Tuesday did not find in favor of any claims brought by Michael Evans in a suit against Chicago cops.

Evans accused officers of falsifying evidence, coaching witnesses and failing to disclose favorable evidence in the kidnapping, rape and murder of 9-year-old Lisa Cabassa in 1976. He sought about $60 million in all.

The Evans case could be viewed as a test case for wrongful conviction civil lawsuits brought against the city. Four other suits filed by pardoned Death Row inmates are pending in the Chicago courthouse.

Settlemen
t negotiations had been under way since last year.

Thieves apparently under the influence of alcohol stole six U-Haul moving trucks and went on some destructive Mojave Desert joyrides, authorities said. Four of the dented rental trucks were found abandoned later but the California Highway Patrol was still looking for two of the missing U-Hauls. There were no arrests.

“This is a first,” U-Haul rental office owner Monica Hall said.

The thieves apparently got the vehicle keys out of large drop box used for after-hours key returns. The box was ripped off a concrete pillar in front of the office between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. Monday, Hall said. Judging from the smell of the recovered trucks, the thieves were likely boozed up, CHP investigators said.

The heists were discovered just before dawn when the CHP got a report of a hit-and-run accident near 90th Street East and Palmdale Boulevard.

“The victim described the offending car as a white and orange U-Haul truck,” CHP Officer Gabriel Morado said.

Officers then spotted a suspicious U-Haul parked diagonally in the middle of a grocery store parking lot near the U-Haul office and damage matched the side swipe from the hit-and-run incident.

Two more banged up U-Hauls were then found abandoned in a nearby alley.

“It looked like they had just dumped them there and crashed into each other while doing it,” Morado said.

A fourth U-Haul was recovered in Palmdale.

So, you’re off out for a night of socialising with your new student mates, having the odd drink or two. But what happens when you get a bit tipsy? – here are five things which could happen when you have one too many…

1. Stage One – Feeling Clever: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right, and, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

2. Stage Two – Attractive: This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

3. Stage Three - Rich: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

4. Stage Four - Invincible: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you’re RICH and you’re more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

5. Stage Five – Invisible: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still CLEVER you know all the words.

A senior clergyman wants cash machines to be installed in churches – because it will help serve the community.

The Archdeacon of Lincoln, the Venerable Arthur Hawes, said people in rural areas sometimes have to travel more than 10 miles to withdraw cash.

He said his idea was inspired by medieval times when churches were used for a range of activities.

But the proposal would need to be approved by the Church of England’s own planning authority.

Mr Hawes said: “Already in some churches they have post offices.

“In Lincolnshire, there are lots of churches with rooms built on to them with kitchen facilities and toilet facilities, where people can meet because often it is the only public building left in a village,” he said.

The archdeacon said the idea had not faced opposition from parishioners.

He added: “I know we live in a credit card age but we still need cash for some things.

“These people have to travel all that distance, which costs them money, so why not put a cash machine somewhere handy like in a church.”

A spokesperson from the Church of England said permission would need to be sought from a church’s local diocese before a cash machine was allowed to be installed.

He added: “Increasingly, we are seeing churches coming forward with a range of ideas, which reinforce their position at the centre of their communities.

“These range from churches who have taken on a local post office or village store.”

Canon Chris Sugden, executive secretary for the Anglican Mainstream group, backed the idea.

He said: “With the withdrawal of banks and post offices from rural areas, it is quite appropriate that churches, as a community building should be available for services of this kind.”